Hey, Jackass!

I’m driving down a 4-lane, divided highway. The speed limit along this stretch of road is 65, which means that, under ideal circumstances, I’m usually cruising along at 70–75. On this particular evening, though, I’m still in the very tail end of rush hour. Traffic is moving along, but it’s congested enough to slow everyone down a little.

I’m driving in the left, or passing, lane. There is a FedEx Ground 18-wheeler directly in front of me, and we are steadily passing slightly slower traffic in the right lane. I am coming up on a FedEx Express 18-wheeler on my right (it’s the time of day when all the trucks are heading to the airport) when I see a white SUV coming up fast behind it. Of course, there isn’t enough room for him to move left and thread the needle between YOU FUCKWAD! I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU JUST DID THAT!

I hit my brakes. I hit my horn. The driver of the SUV flips me off, then aggressively gestures that I should move into the right-hand lane.

I double-check my speed, and see that this interloper has caused me to slow my speed to 61. I double-check reality and see that the 18-wheeler is still in front of me (well, now it’s in front of the SUV), and there continues to be NOWHERE FOR THIS DILLHOLE TO GO. For the next three miles, this guy is trapped between me and an 18-wheeler. At that point, I’m exiting the highway, and now I’m able to zip into an open lane… right next to this twit… and flip him off, good and long. RIGHT BACK AT YA, JACKASS.

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6 Replies to “Hey, Jackass!”

  1. I’m sure he had CO plates, but I’m equally sure that he’s a transplant from either SF or DC. Generally people ’round here just aren’t that agro… generally.

    BTW, thanks for leaving your Twitter up on the blog. It’s endlessly amusing. P’raps even more so since it’s completely out of context.

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  2. A few years ago, when the boys were very little, like baby little, I got a big flip off, and cut off by some jerk, who I immediately flipped off back. Then the guy swerves at me like he wants to run me off the road. I pulled into the nearest parking lot to collect myself. Saw a cop car sitting there. Gave the cop the guys license plate number and told my side of the story. The cop told me the guy would be tracked down and notified and would have a road rage complaint against him. 2 complaints for road rage and you lose your license. But I vowed that day never to flip anyone off ever again because my kids’ lives weren’t worth it.

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  3. When this sort of thing happens to me, I take it as an invitation from the universe to express myself by harassing this person in every way I can. You don’t ignore the universe, so when this happens, I will miss an exit, be late for an appointment, and generally do what ever it takes to communicate my feelings with this person.

    Provided you can work your way in front of a person like this (and in heavy traffic it’s very possible) the most effective method is to down shift. This decreases your speed – but w/out break lights. 😉

    You get extra points if you “lure” said person into a high speed before execution – making this person believe you are parting traffic and acting as a cop lure for their sake. It’s a great setup and sure to increase overall panic when your rear bumper strangely approaches them at a high speed.

    Please note that, because you are in front, you are in relative safety (you can speed up) and – if you let it happen – any accident will be that person’s fault. No one’s ever pissed me off THAT much before. It’s like a secret doomsday weapon that you should never really use.

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  4. Homer has a story about a similar jackass. He got fed up with the rage and chased the guy around in the grassy center section of the Mousetrap before they redesigned it.

    Personally I take refuge knowing that there is Carma for people like that. The traffic gods are watching and avenging.

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